Single mothers fail at relationships because of spoiled sons?

Interesting story from the Kenya-based Standard about thirty-somethings in Nairobi still living at home. Nothing new in this article until (drum roll please). . .single parents get blamed for this worldwide urban trend! I quote:

Most of the ‘overgrown babies’ are sons of single mothers who have turned them into people incapable of fending for themselves.

The mothers almost treat them as substitutes for the partners missing in their lives.

Njoki, an executive with a blue chip firm, has no problem living with her son Kimathi, whom she says keeps her occupied at home.

“You know, I’m single and he’s the only one close to my heart. His father left me when I was pregnant 38 years ago,” she says.

Njoki, who has invested heavily in real estate, however regrets that her son went for studies in the United Kingdom and came back without a degree.

“I sponsored him to study for a degree in business administration but he flew back home after two years because life there was unbearable,” she explains.

Njoki says she gives her son pocket money regularly and has no problem when he takes some from her purse and informs her later.

“Life is changing nowadays,” she says. “You cannot kick out your son if he is not ready to face the harsh life without a good job,” Njoki says.

The article winds up as follows: “And many of the single mothers holding on to their sons are unable to keep boyfriends or maintain relationships because men find the sons intolerable.”

Wonder what they’d say about the daughters.

Filed under: kids, life, solo life , boyfriends, daughters, Kenya, Nairobi, relationships, single mothers, sons

Sarah Palin: “It was fun while it lasted.”

And that’s not, me–that’s Kathleen Parker writing in the conservative National Review.

I don’t think there’s much more to say, except that Salon blogger Saturn Smith pointed out something interesting. McCain could have dumped Palin when he suspended his campaign to return to the Senate over the financial crisis.

The weird thing is, the recent campaign suspension would have been the perfect time to do all of this.  The campaign had a moment in which to retool all of its forward-going ads and strategies; it had an event big enough to pull Palin from the spotlight; and it had a perfect platform for McCain to explain his decision directly to millions of Americans at the debate.  Since they didn’t take that opportunity, I’m guessing they’re not going to.

Saturn observes that the fact McCain didn’t do this indicates that Sarah’s there for the long haul.

Did the downward slide start with the Couric interview? I don’t know. I understand the point Palin was trying to make when she said that living next to Russia and Canada gave her a unique perspective but the point wasn’t about foreign policy experience. Somebody shoulda told her not to make that reach. Or make it differently. Or something. And what about this sentence:

“It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right next to, they are right next to our state.”

That’s just one nasty sentence.

Like Parker, I hold my breath at lot too, praying that Palin will say something substantive and insightful. (As a woman, I have only one reason.) Instead, she tends to back away from questions, dredge up old sound bites, and talk around issues.

Long shot that this improves. Maybe some textbooks would help. I dunno.

Filed under: life , foreign policy experience, Kathleen Parker, National Review, Sarah Palin

Single parents have stupid kids

A few days ago I set up a Google Alert for single parents because I’m interested in tracking what folks are saying about the risk to kids in non-traditional families. Safe to say that (on the surface, at least) the news is all bad. I mean, people have been saying our kids are challenged for years and we keep proving them wrong. What’s driving this truck: an agenda to promote one family type.

Yesterday’s Heritage Foundation study, “Academic Success Begins at Home: How Children Can Succeed at School,” came with this blurb:

Social science research demonstrates a strong link between the intact family structure, parental involvement, and educational outcomes, from school readiness to college completion. The intact family has eroded dramatically over the last four decades with significant implications for children’s well-being. Strengthening marriage and promoting stable family formation as well as parental involvement could lead to significant gains in student achievement.

Conservative pundits have already weighed in, talking about the “erosion of the family,” “promiscuity,” and “lack of moral training.” Oh, gimme a break people. Once you start combing through this study and others like it, it’s so obvious that

1. single people are not a monolith

2. many factors affect a child’s readiness/success at school including parent education, parent involvement, family income, quality of family life. . .the list goes on. Let’s start looking at those factors. Are they connected to being single? Nope.

I don’t have time to take on this study now but I will be looking at sections of it and other research on this topic in future posts. But here’s an interesting tidbit. Most people don’t have a moral agenda about adoption. But did you know that, statistically, adopted kids have the highest incidence of developmental delays and learning disabilities? When do you ever hear the cry to stop adoption (except by bio-fundamentalists who think no mother should ever relinquish). Food for thot.

Filed under: Single parents have stupid kids , education, families, Heritage Foundation, income, kids, non-traditional families, parents, single parents, study, success at school

Starbucks Tumblers and Bisphenol-A (BPA)

Despite assurances from my local Starbucks that its No. 7 plastic tumblers have a very low amount of Bisphenol A (BPA), I hauled our collection over there this morning and demanded action. On September 16, the Journal of the American Medical Association published a study drawing a connection between BPA exposure and a higher risk of diabetes and heart disease. Canada declared BPA toxic last spring and has banned its use in baby bottles and sippy cups. However, some plastics with BPA remain on the shelves and it’s still permissible to use BPA in cans.

The FDA says Americans are safe eating all the BPA that’s out there.

Anyway, the Starbucks manager was pretty good about it. He told me if I felt “uncomfortable,” I could return the tumblers for a store credit. So I got credit for two of them and had to keep one because it was deemed defunct. He said there was a press release about this on the Starbucks site but I have yet to find one. If anyone has read this, let me know.

I ended up with a bronze coloured water bottle, very pretty, all stainless on the inside. Heavy as heck, though. I wouldn’t walk around with it even though it has a cool carrying tab for your index finger. But it’s fine for the desk.

I’ll be the first to admit that the JAMA study isn’t the last word on the subject but I’m not as cavalier as the junk science guy. What concerns me is the repeated exposure to BPA. . .all the cans of chicken soup and ravioli my daughter has consumed over the years (these food tins apparently have some of the highest BPA levels) + the water bottle + the early exposure to baby plastics.

On a bright note, I just discovered that the organic food company we mentioned in SMW’s article Healthy Lunches for Kids That Pack a Big Yum Factor uses no BPA in its cans (except for tomatoes). Eden Organic spends a couple of hundred thousand bucks a year to keep the BPA out. Give these people a gold star.

And the rest of you, buy tomato sauce in a jar.

Filed under: food, kids, life , BPA, Eden Organic, families, FDA, kids, lunches, No. 7 plastic, parents, sippy cups, SMW, Starbucks, tumblers, water bottle

Single Mom Meets Budget: Date or Disaster?

Are you financially challenged? Do you wish you knew where your money actually went? So do I.

That’s why I decided to give budgeting a whirl for the first time in my life.

Check out my new column, “Single Mom Meets Budget: Date or Disaster?” in the debut issue of SMW’s single mom newsletter.

Here’s the official go-to info. I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m looking forward to it:

_______________________________________________________________________

Connect with your favorite mommy bloggers, experts and, our very own Melissa Chapman on parenting tips just for single moms. If you would like to receive this new bi-monthly e-newsletter, please send us an email at: info@singlemindedwomen.com. Premier issue: September 21st.

_______________________________________________________________________

This is no *expert* column: this is just a straight-talkin’ single mom trying to come to grips with her cash flow so one day she can

• have more cash
• actually have a retirement (ha, ha, ha. . .HA HA HA HA)
• pay for her kid’s university education
• buy more shoes

Drop by. We can all learn from each other.

Filed under: kids, life, solo life , budget, cash, Jessica Pegis, Melissa Chapman, mommy bloggers, money, retirement, Single Minded Women, Single Mom Meets Budget, single moms

The vile task of putting together furniture

Yesterday the girl and I bought and put together her new desk. It’s a nice little desk, larger than her old one, with a pull-out for the keyboard. She can fit her monitor, speakers, and modem on top and still have room for homework space. $139 at Staples, folks. Not a bad deal.

So voila.

<—

There it is.

But can’t someone do something about all the screws these things have and all the holes they go into. There must have been a hundred of them. Fortunately, Simone is always terribly eager to dig into the assembly and not at all daunted by the instructions or the number of pieces. Me, on the other hand, I look at all the little plastic pouches filled with jangly silver and brassy things and the helpful B&W drawings and want to barf. So I basically just help, which is fine with me.

Fact is, you run smack up against your own belief systems when assembling furniture. A couple of successful runs at this as a child might have cured me, but no such luck.

Filed under: kids, solo life , assembling, computer table, furniture, instructions, kids, Staples

A girl and her violin

Simone will be starting violin lessons at school, courtesy the Toronto District Board of Education. You have to hand it to a school board that provides these free perqs to kids (including instruments) and supervises practice at lunch hour. I reminded her that it takes a little while to sound decent on the violin and her retort was, “X took it last year and at the end of the year her Twinkle Twinkle still sounded awful.”

OK, it matters only if you try.

Last year the Grade 5’s took ballroom dancing courtesy Join the Dance. (picture above)

I feel so lucky. Every parent and every kid deserves a great school.

Filed under: kids, life , kids, school, Toronto District School Board, violin, dance

So women suck at the office?

Bear with me.

Hannah Seligson aced her university education and but was surprised to realize how unprepared she was for the world of work. In a recent New York Times article, she talks about how girl power’s totally possible at college (“. . .female students excelled academically, sometimes running laps around their male counterparts”) but not guaranteed at the office. She lasted in her first job a mere nine months. Her nemeses? Sexism, women undermining other women, and—most revealing—what she describes as her own “feminine tendencies”:

Filed under: critical thinking, kids, life , girl power, Hannah Seligson, negotiate, New York Times, office, perfectionism, skills, succeed, university

With Reality TV, who needs old-time religion?

I just heard singlemindedwomen.com founder Allison O’Connor say, “I choose my reality shows wisely.” Rock on, Allison. So do I–especially the ones the kid watches with me. So tune into my column on RTV and the shame factor at. . .where else. . .SMW. Drop by, put up your feet, say hello, leave a comment. Single women, this is a great site, and it’s all free!

Filed under: kids, solo life , Allison O'Connor, kids, reality TV, shame factor, Single Minded Women

When girl bonding goes in circles

Yesterday marked the end of Week 1 at school. Day 2 was a complete disaster. My daughter always phones me at the end of the day to tell me if she’s heading home or staying in the yard for a bit, or stopping off at 7-11 for a drink. On that day, a sobbing voice on the other end of the line informed me that

• somebody told somebody that she told about one of their group liking some boy
• a friend who was supposed to walk home with her blew her off
• she didn’t go back into the yard to remind said friend that she had to walk that way anyway because she was crying and embarrassed to walk past some boys

Personally, I find these situations unbelievably trying. Part of me wants to scream about the challenges of negotiating girl-to-girl relationships when you’re 11 or 12. Not that I’m unsympathetic but I just can’t stand to see my kid suffer this way. What exactly is the driving force behind pre-adolescent girls bonding over secrets and jockeying for positions of power and popularity with an obsessive focus on the very boys they claim to despise? Just give us a pill, please, so that we can dispense with this behaviour like menstrual cramps.

But seriously: what is the reason? I’ve heard of two related ones.

1. The content of girls’ bonding is increasingly about boys, and power and popularity ensure mating with the best boys (the “get your best DNA” theory).

2. Girls who are isolated from exclusive girl cliques are likely to end up bonding with boys who aren’t good for them.

OK, so either way, it looks like all this girl bonding stuff is leading to one thing: boys. I think we need a new theory. Anyone?

Thank heavens the storm clouds moved on.

The rest of the week was fine.

Filed under: kids , bonding, boys, cliques, crying, girls, secrets