I’m on one international adoption list where the realities of first families make for sobering reading. Most of the families are located in Eastern Europe and have contact with the a-parents of a child relinquished for adoption. They may be parents, one parent, or an extended family member.
Recently, the subject of sending money came up. You know, as soon as I write that line I start to bristle because whatever the situation–whether there is crime, addiction, or neglect–you cannot discount the fundamental lack of equality in this world. There are some who claim that the very reasons for a child being taken to an orphanage are the reasons for not sending money. There are others who argue that we get bogged down in dreaming up excuses not to act. Do we second-guess ourselves when we blow $100 on a great meal out?
While I can’t reproduce anything anyone has said, I can summarize the arguments I’ve heard around sending money to a child’s first family. Please understand that most of these situations arise because of information provided by a professional searcher or because of details conveyed in a letter. Rarely does anyone ask for help directly.
I have tried to be as neutral as possible in presenting these views, boiled down from thousands of words. Bear in mind that because most of these comments relate to Eastern Europe, there are issues specific to that area of the world.
Pro
I could not face my child if he knew his family had been in trouble and I didn’t help.
I am sending money to someone I trust–someone I know loved my child and protected her.
It’s such a small amount of money for us.
No matter how difficult our situation is, it can’t compare to over there.
Con
In our case, the money will be spent on substance abuse [I am using this term, but usually the person is referring to alcohol or drug abuse]
They don’t want to do anything to improve themselves. Why send money to people who will not help themselves?
In a such an impoverished area, I could be putting someone at risk by sending money. The person might become a target for thieves.
I would be raising expectations in the first family by sending money regularly.
You are already raising their child. No need to send money.
It is amazing that people bound together by adoption have such diverse views but part of this difference comes from the situation each family finds itself in. I would never judge anyone in this situation, but my instinct would be to send now, question later. If I found out that Uncle Jack used my moneygram as gin money, I’d try sumpthin’ else next time.
Some people also raised the issue of how much to spend and how. What about go-betweens? Do you trust the charities and religious and institutions in another country to be any more ethical than the people themselves? Do you buy gifts instead of sending cash?
Doesn’t it make you weep for the injustice of it all? There is something fundamentally wrong with this picture.
