Accidentally lost child adopted in China?

Single mom adopts mom Chinese boy in 2001. Since he is 8 at the time of the adoption, they talk frequently about his memories. He has many–all pretty good.

Curiouser and curioser.

One day a-mom tells him he might want to search for his original parents. A former America’s Most Wanted investigator, she goes to work too. Probably couldn’t resist.

Working through Baby Come Home, the China agency that helps locate trafficked or kidnapped children in China, a-mom puts out some feelers and provokes an amazing letter back.

Her son’s parents are not only out there–they say he was lost on that fateful day in 1998, not abandoned, ”the result of a tragic mistake.”

Read the whole article here.

Side note: Anyone want to venture an opinon on how it might be easier for single a-parents to reunite with original family? I was thinking of this the other day when it dawned on me: Simone has only one dad, meaning the competition issues just won’t be there. Perhaps single parents might seem less threatening than perfect couples too. When I came across the asinine word “birthfather” in this otherwise good story, it reminded me of it again. Similarly, this boy has only one father. No need to call him anything but dad.

Filed under: adoption, fatherlessness, kids, solo life , adoption, birthfather, China, couples, dad, father, kidnapped, lost child, searching, trafficked

International adoption and first parents

At the time of adoption, my feelings about Simone’s parents were one-dimensional. Pitifully so. But as I have tried to describe before, her parents were not so much feared as invisible. China was your classic baby patch, with very little said or conjectured about original parents throughout the process except for the fact that they faced an awful situation.

It took time for my own anxiety about parenting alone to settle down and for me to accept that you could throw most anything at us (illness, death) and we’d be okay. Once I was able to put my head up, a bigger slice of the world came into view.

It was the experience of watching Simone mature that forced me to think about her parents. For one thing, I had no frame of reference for her evolving appearance—hands, eyes, brows, chin, mouth, hair.

Swimmer shoulders. None of that bothered me; in fact, I loved her different-ness. At some point trying not to notice the source of it meant accepting a physical impossibility. . . like asking something alive to stop growing.

I don’t know when exactly we started talking about the other family but it bubbled up with more seriousness as she passed through those pre-teen years. For my daughter, it was always the composition of their family. That was the thing that got her. Another sister. Or the boy—did he ever show up? It’s so challenging talking about a family that is so remote. I engage in my own little fantasies that are never shared with Simone; she probably does the same. This is one of the biggest pitfalls of this process, that you can plaster your own needs and desires onto something that far away.

Someone asked me once if the distance or improbability were a safety mechanism and they aren’t. Once you have decided to search, you’re there. Yes, geography plays with your brain but it’s better to talk about the question mark than to stay silent. The number of a-parents who adopted internationally and have ties to the original family is growing (in some places, like Russia, it is not uncommon), and families have been found.

The first “official” set of child and parents reunited in China was featured in the June issue of Adoptive Families Magazine. (I do not recommend this magazine without caveats. Have the barf bag handy when you alight on the adoptive breasteeding article. Also, I don’t think I can pull the China article for you without subscription.) I say “official” because I know there are groups that fly under the radar whose members include birth parents and a-parents successfully re-united in China. This stuff is not really out there and who knows if it ever will be in a big way. People tell me that despite the fact that long-distance searchers are growing in numbers, we are still a small group.

Next week I will post links to Yahoo groups you can join if you have adopted internationally and are thinking about searching. It is not impossible.

Filed under: adoption, kids, life, solo life , adoptive breastfeeding, Adoptive Families Magazine, birth parents, China, family, first parents, international adoption, Russia, searchers, searching, Yahoo groups

Mamas! Pick the cutest young men ever

UPDATE: CUTE JERRY TRAINOR VIDEO ADDED.

I watch a lot of my daughter’s favourite shows and movies with her. For one thing, you can stay a little closer to what your kid is viewing. Second, you get to watch a bunch of the cutest boys-to-men and fantasize about your daughter’s future BFs. Or yourself. Or whatever.

The thing is, during viewing time you are never allowed to utter, “OMG, he’s soooooo cute.” This will invariably result in a chorus of “Eeeuw, eeuw, eeuw” or the stinging rebuke “MOTHER!”

So since we can’t talk about this subject with our kids, how about a list?

Here’s my pick of the studliest young guys in TV and movieland right now, from 10 to 1.

10. Robert Hoffman

Cute and hilarious as the despicable boyfriend in this summer’s insipid Aliens in the Attic.

 

9. The Massey Brothers, Christopher and Kyle

Definitely not your average stud muffins and it’s nice to see some chunkier guys out there. Have always loved the bros on each of their television series—Zoey 101 (Christopher) and That’s So Raven and Cory in the House (Kyle).

8. Michael Seater

The star of Life With Derek has the softie-under-an-arrogant-exterior thing down pat. The only Canadian on our list too cuz George Stroumboulopoulos was too old. (Sorry, George. I do love you.)

 

 

7. Nathan Kress

Who could resist that face? Can’t wait to see him at age 25. As techno-geek Freddy on the pre-teen hit icarly, Kress gets points for growing cuter each year.

 

6. Ricky Ullman

The star of Phil of the Future, now in re-runs. Mother’s idea of the perfect boyfriend for either gender.

 

5. Robert Pattinson

Had to put him on the list, though I don’t like every photo of him. Can’t wait to see the brooding charm return in New Moon, though.

 

4. Tom Felton

Yup, I chose Tom, who plays Malfoy instead of Daniel Radcliffe, who plays Harry Potter. Another unconventional face that just doesn’t quit.

 

3. Joe Jonas

Hands-down, the most gorgeous Jonas Brother (over-the-top, old-school, chiseled movie-star gorgeous) and who wouldn’t love a guy who’d put on tights and high-heels and dance to Beyonce’s Single Ladies just for the fans?

 

2. Elijah Kelley

Speakin’ of dancing, in our #2 spot is Elijah Kelley, Seaweed on Hairspray–way hunkier and sexier than Zac any time. Love this guy. . .and the moves.

 

1. Jerry Trainor

Another icarly cast member (Spencer) and practically my reason for creating this list.

Every time Jerry shows up, mother can’t shut up about how adorable this guy is—the perfect combination of cute and funny. (I mean, really, she can’t shut up.)

So there you have it. Weigh in. Disagree vehemently. Add your own hunks. Get the blood goin’ on a Monday and let us know what busts your cute-o-meter.

Filed under: films, kids, life, music , Christopher Massey, cutest young men, Elijah Kelley, Jerry Trainor, Joe Jonas, Kyle Massey, Mamas pick, Michael Seater, movies, Nathan Kress, Ricky Ullman, Robert Hoffman, Robert Pattinson, Tom Felton, TV

Pasta, healthy and simple, with cherry tomatoes

I love this summer pasta recipe. We just made it again tonight, and I could make it almost any night. Talk about quick and simple. And healthy. And good for kids too. A friend told us about this recipe.

US pint of cherry or “grape” tomatoes

Filed under: food, kids, life, solo life , cherry tomatoes, garlic, healthy, olive oil, parmesan cheese, pasta, summer

Adoption: Is disruption really just abandonment?

Disruption isn’t something I know a whole lot about. There was a single mom who adopted from China a few years after I did who claimed her adoption was “wrongful” because her child turned out to be ill. Sympathy for her was lower than Atlantis and the case disappeared from the public radar.

In 2005 there was an awful case of adoption dissolution involving an Indonesian boy given the name Tristan Dowse by his a-parents.  As far as I can tell, after two years, wife got pregnant and the Dowses decided that adopting Tristan simply hadn’t “worked out.” So they returned him to the orphanage in Jakarta where they had first met him. By this time, the child spoke only English.

Tristan got justice, sort of. A judge made the a-parents pay child support and ordered that Tristan should continue to have all rights to the Dowse estate. He was also reunited with his original mother. None of it justifies being treated like a sack of bad potatoes.

Most recently, there’s a posting about disruption making the rounds that is angering many in the adoption community and putting others on the defensive. You can find it here.

On Issycat’s blog, Mara pointed out (about this post) that:

This whole politically correct “disruption” crapola needs to stop. It is ABANDONMENT. Returning the goods for store credit. The fact that they sanitize it with the word “disruption” is a pathetic industry machination to continually paint the AP’s as bleeding hearts who did their best with a damaged child.

I wish I could have “disrupted” my adoption. But NO, children don’t have a right to divorce their abusive AP’s. It’s ALL ABOUT WHAT THE AP’S WANT AND NEVER ABOUT THE CHILD’S NEEDS. EVER. NO CREATIVE WORD WITH EVER CHANGE THAT.

Well, I’ve got news for you, Mara. There’s a brand new term that’s even more nicey-nice: it’s called “re-homing”.

Anyway, I won’t go on about the poster. She got hers, though she nixed all the negative comments, apparently. I ranted a bit about her on Issycat. She wants to feel that she did the very best she could–fine. IMHO, the adoption industry shouldn’t be catering to the egos of adoptive parents by offering them positive language every time they eff-up. Adoption is neither a hobby nor a try-on session. Ironically, it is this very characterization of adoption that a-parents often protest the most, demanding to be treated just like natural parents and making solemn noises about their forever families.

There is a lot of talk, when the subject comes up, about not judging. I get that. People deserve help for their kids and themselves. No, I can’t imagine walking in some of their shoes. But the judging is not all about them or individual caseworkers doing their best; it’s a reaction to the idea that you can take this on, walk away when it gets tough, and then bond with other people publicly over your “badly bungled adoptions” boo-hoo because the system is usually there for you and might even hand you another child. Meanwhile, it sure feels like the kids are taking a back seat to everyone else’s needs.

It’s interesting. Nobody even gets glory points for sticking by their handicapped kids or children with autism, including the hard-to-raise kids, the ones they call the wrecking ball disguised as a boy. Most definitely, nobody gets a lollipop for divorcing them. The fact that it’s allowed to happen in adoption says something the industry and about attitudes to adopted kids that we may be reluctant to acknowledge.

Filed under: adoption, kids, life , abandonment, adoption, adoption community, disruption, dissolution, forever families, judge, positive language, re-homing, Tristan Dowse, wife