This post is a continuation of the previous post so if you hated that one, you won’t like this one and it might be best to quit reading now. On the other hand, I’d prefer if you’d stay and comment.
A friend contacted me about Monday’s post, saying, “Questions that bug us like that usually have some truth to them.”
Uh-huh.
That’s why we have Miss Manners to tell us that probing questions are rude and “It’s personal.” This, btw, is Miss Manners’ exclusive come-back to any adoption question: “It’s personal.” That got me thinking about how far one would take that and if hearing these words every single time someone raised adoption in front of my kid would actually benefit her. I think some of this is style—our personality style, our ability to be put on the spot with strangers, our instinct to defend, deflect, or educate. I don’t think there’s one right or wrong way.
When we adopt, we should expect questions. We can spend a lot of time dreaming up snappy comebacks to them (been there, done that) or we can think about what the person is really asking, which is something I’ve only recently begun to do. Below, my top-10 list of rude-or-are-they?-comments*, along with some thoughts. I welcome yours.
*Note that each of these comments has been described as “rude” in various forums, which is why I chose them. Note as well that most of them deal with IA.
No. 10
Are they brothers?
A question I might even ask myself, especially if I knew the children came from the same orphanage or were adopted at the same time. When people ask this question, they are specifically asking if there is a biological sibling relationship. That does not invalidate the brotherhood or sisterhood kids can share beyond DNA. But people aren’t asking about that–they’re asking about former family ties. “Yes, they are certainly brothers but not by birth” is one response that occurred to me.
No. 9
At least they have each other.
Adoption comments that evoke pity or anxiety in your child are a no-no, so this remarks sucks on that basis. Having said that, if you were adopted, would it not mean something to be able to remain with your biological sibling and keep that connection to your past? This is basically what the questioner is trying to say. Along with the fact that losing your family is not exactly fun. “I am so glad they are growing up together” could put Miss Opinionated in her place while respecting the truth of the sentiment.
No. 8
Is her father Chinese? (Korean, Thai, Ethiopian)
Duh, YE-AH. And her mother too! Single a-mom Anne Brittle has pegged this as a “difficult question” in her article about uncomfortable questions for Families With Children from China. But it need not be . . . if answered directly.
No. 7
Do you know anything about her real parents?
My own story with this question here.
No. 6
Has it been hard for him to learn English?
Honestly, how is this rude? Any child adopted at one year or older has already passed several language milestones in his mother tongue. What if one of your born kids were suddenly adopted at 18 months? Would you be thinking that “English doesn’t count”? Do we really think our kids are a blank slate and that English is their first language? Check out the following article on IA children and language delays and difficulties. This is a vastly misunderstood area.
No. 5
What country will you be buying your child from?
Oh, just get over it.
On some level, this is a transaction. We hand over the cash and someone hands us a child. In some instances, the cash will go to pay for something good, like rebuilding the social welfare program in China. In other cases, it’s probably just going to line someone’s pockets. Whatever the case—your adoption, my adoption—is an economy, a system of production, distribution, and consumption. The more we understand that, the better we can come to grips with the totality of our kids’ stories.
Maybe this flashback will put it in perspective. Me, 11 years ago . . . fresh from the bank and keenly aware that the $3000US China orphanage donation is costing me $4000Cdn. Have also made several unsuccessful trips to the diaper aisle and the bottles-and-liners thing has me spooked beyond belief, so I pick up the phone to call my sister in Illinois to tell her what a *wreck* I am.
“BUT–” I point out brightly, “I have the uh . . . the pouch and . . . you know, the US bills I need to uh . . .”
“Buy the baby?”
YUP! My sister said that. She just blurted it out. She even laughed.
No fool she.
No. 4
Is she really yours?
On one level, she isn’t. He isn’t. They aren’t. Those are somebody else’s kids we get to raise. Let me be clear: I know this isn’t our intent—to run out and raise another family’s child. Our intent is to raise a child who can’t be parented, but let’s face facts here. (Breathe: Yes, we’re all real parents and we can answer this question in that spirit.)
No. 3
Does she know she’s adopted?
Hardly a question to shy away from because there’s only one answer: “Of course.” When your child is old enough, you can pass the ball to her with the look that says, “Nitwit here thinks you don’t know you’re adopted” (hard to hide in our family) and let her take over. This is great practice for kids who must often field difficult questions on the playground.
No. 2
What will you tell her about her birthparents?
As much as you know. Again, not a question I’d start shielding my child from, although I’ve definitely been educated about some harrowing stories of hardship from Eastern Europe on the Yahoo search group. So maybe the best way to answer this question is to say, “Whatever information there is, it will be hers.” But better to be asked a few times and for your child to see you dealing with this question than to be repeating over and over, “That’s personal.”
No. 1
Couldn’t you have one of your own?
The granddaddy of them all. People hate it. It’s rude; it seems to say that adopted kids are second-best. But I’d like you to look at the way this subject was handled on Rainbow Kids when it came up:
There are times when we may need to let a particular comment pass and help our child to understand it later. Recently my husband and I were entertaining one of his important clients, and our Colombian-born son was present. The client remarked that she had friends who had adopted two Korean children and later had had two children “of their own.” It seemed best not to risk offending the woman by correcting her choice of words.. The next day I asked our son it he had been bothered by the remark, explaining it as a problem in our language. He replied that he hadn’t minded it at all. I felt reassured that whatever damage might be done by others is within my power to assess, and to repair if necessary.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that these questions are automatically appropriate or that we must answer them in detail or answer them at all. I’m just sayin’ that behind these question are some realities that we have conveniently forgotten in the rush to make families by adoption the new normal. And I think those realities are worth thinking about.
